Monday, July 4, 2011

How to Know When it's Over Part One.

When I found the heart-stone that inspired me to write my book , Radiance...Love after Death, it was because of a heartbreak I had endured years earlier. How do you know for sure that's it's over? I have taught marriage enrichment and have experienced my own divorce and it's pretty much the same for everyone.Their are things in common we do see, and things we don't see, until after it's over. I will finish part two in my next blog.

1. Universally, I hear this same comment from all women. "I can't stand it when he touches me." Why is that? It comes from revulsion.Usually, it's that he cheated on you, he's hit you or said really horrific comments about you physically or emotionally..Women have a God given ability called interwishon.Trust it, use it. He may have apologised but secretly, you don't feel he means it and you are probably RIGHT. More than likely its because he's a repeat offender.

 Beware. Repeat offenders are users for the most part. They either have a disease and can't stop without treatment or they are manipulating you to fulfil their needs. They will say they are sorry if pressed and two weeks or two months later do it again. I'm talking about affairs, addiction and compulsive liars.

 Stop right there. They need professional help. Their comes a time when they are able manipulate the relationship to make you feel it's all YOUR fault. Its called blame shifting."Honey, I wouldn't cheat on you if we had sex every day whenever I want it or hey, I didn't come on to her, she came on to me," yeah right! If he is constantly placing guilt on YOU for his actions, pay attention more closely. Maybe, he eyes every woman who comes into view or looks at pornography or flirts shamelessly.

WARNING SIGN. The thoughts are there, he just hadn't acted on them, or he has, and you just haven't caught him yetI had a husband with an addiction problem. Every time he went back to drinking he gave a different excuse. God hasn't dealt with him yet {he had, he just hadn't listened}it was someone else's fault{his ex, me, I left dust on the shelf, I had a load of clothes I didn't wash, my son looked at him sideways, he was stressed, he didn't win the lottery, you get the idea} He would be super good for a while, take me out to eat, buy me things, compliment me and then turn around and do something more horrible than the past thing he subjected me to.True repentance means you don't do it again.Our downfall is when we believe they might change 

 WITHOUT PROOF. Example. He told me he absolutely he was going to not drink anymore. I said well tell your family, they will be relieved. He chickened out before we got there and sure enough he went back to drinking a few days later.He also stopped going to AA meetings.He talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. Always remember. Actions speak louder than words.

2. He's getting a private banking account, keeps his cell phone hidden so you wont see the phone numbers , buying new clothes, underwear, changing his hair , he doesn't like to kiss you during sex, he's spending more and more time around other women or a specific name dominates the conversation.{Hey, Betty cooks all the time, Betty says, Betty does...this means he's talking quite a bit more to her than you know about.}

3. Finding ways to be away from you. He wants to work late, visit more, {without you usually } plans more joint or private vacations, more concerts , more cook outs etc.{ usually with her invited as part of a couple.} He will find a way to be around her in plain sight. Mine did. I got tired of joint everything.  He may have a change of habits about holidays or birthdays. "Honey, just go to your parents alone, I'll go next year. Your birthday. I remember on mine, my ex got me a gift and said it was from the kids. He didn't want me to get the impression it meant anything to him obviously.

4. Physical proof. They will always leave something sooner or later. Does he smell of her perfume?ATM receipts will verify where a loved one was at , the time and maybe even what they did. It can also show location. "Honey, what did you get a hundred dollars out for on the east side of town?" "Honey, why is the restaurant bill $80.00 if you were eating out alone?" Ask questions about the details. When he says he went somewhere or was with a friend, ask the friend. "Hey, did you and Randy have a good time last week end? Maybe he tries to get rid of you all the time.Check his mileage.Mine would leave immediately after I left, to get back before I did,

5. They get ANGRY or RESENTFUL for no reason. I would ask my husband what he went to town for . He would always answer, "WHY?" very angrily. People are usually defensive when they are trying to cover up something. He hated to spend an evening alone with me. He no longer wanted to share in my hobbies or support me in my dreams. It was all about him all of the time.

Only you can decide what is a deal breaker in a relationship. For me these should be universal. No adultery, no physical abuse of myself or my children. If he or she needs help, they have to not be in denial and want it.

All of these signs are not responsible individually for a relationship being over, but when in conjunction with others are a clear sign to get help or end the relationship before you put yourself in a dangerous situation.. Please share with myself and readers what was the deal breaker for you. We are all here to help each other! Call the Domestic Violence Hot line for help in this situation. 1-800-500-1117